Well, I had this wonderful poetic story all written out, and then suddenly my computer decided to "eat" it. So here I go again, starting over. At least the house is quiet, it probably won't take me 15 hours to write it a second time :) and I'm sure this time my story will be shorter, and straight to the point.
The story begins with me, and my children taking a beautiful drive through the country. The sunshine is shining through the windows, the baby is asleep and I have one hand on the wheel, while I'm holding my freshly brewed Starbucks half decaf Americano in the other. Yes, life is perfect.
My daughter Natalie, who has been daydreaming out the window quietly for some time suddenly turns and says, "Mom, where is heaven?"
Great, I thought. There goes my moment.
My first reaction is to tell her what I think would soothe her curiosity, and let me enjoy a few more minutes with my coffee. I would tell her the answer I grew up always believing, that Heaven is real, its up in the sky but unfortunately its invisible. Now, first let me clarify, I do believe that Heaven is real, I do believe that it is our hope of life when our earthly life is gone, and I do believe that not only do we get to see our loved ones again, but we will stand face to face and side by side with our Creator, our Savior, Jesus. And it will be AMAZING! But where exactly is it?? I haven't the foggiest idea.
So, my heart is beating and my head is pounding because I'm torn with giving her the "cute Sunday School" answer, or giving her the "other" answer. The "other" answer in fact is not an answer at all, its the three little words that I dread saying to my children. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
The words are on the tip of my tongue, and they taste so bitter to me. They are scary. Because I know its not only my admission to her, but also my admission to myself. I don't know everything.
Why is that so scary? Because I like to be in control.
Wow, I actually said it.
I like to think if I can give my children all the right answers throughout life, that somehow their lives would be perfect. It's scary to think of what might happen if I ever used those three words. And its even more scary for me to admit my questions because what might happen to me? Will I get zapped for questioning God? I know it sounds silly, of course but deep down in me I've always held on to the belief that I should just believe, take it on faith, no questions asked. Until recently.
So, here I am again, in the van waiting for the response to leave my lips, and it finally does.
"Natalie, I don't know."
Her reaction was priceless. I wish I could have videotaped it. After a very long dramatic gasp ...... she says, "You don't know!?"
"I don't know, " I say again. And this time it feels more confident, more sure, and more true.
"How come you don't know?" she says.
"Well, there are many verses about Heaven in the Bible, but they don't tell us where exactly it is. Do you know though, you can ask Jesus any question, He wants you to seek Him, and ask Him your questions?"
"Well, I'm just going to ask Him right now," she says so matter-of-factly. "Jesus, where is Heaven?"
She pauses, and then says, "He says its in the clouds, Mom."
The rest of our conversation has to be one of my favorite moments EVER with her. I shared with her that I will always be learning, and growing, and even though I'm older than her, I don't know everything, nor will I ever. But I am always seeking, always asking, and always growing. It was real, and it was honest, and I was crying. She listened with such intensity, like I've never seen. She took it all in, she heard every word. It was a precious moment. It was precious because I could see my daughter 10 years down the road, sitting across the table from me, and we were having an honest and real conversation. I wasn't pretending to know everything, but we were enjoying the journey together.
I don't want to give my children "cute" little answers that they will one day come to question, and wonder if what I said was real, or if it was just something I said. I want my children to know, believe and understand for themselves. I want it to be "real" for them. It has to be "real," because anything else is just plain sad, and religious.
So yes, I am an imperfect mother, and I don't know everything! I feel like I want to shout it from the hilltops :) Go ahead, and shout it, I dare you! :)
Lastly, just started reading John Eldredge's book, "Beautiful Outlaw." I'm only through the first chapter, but I'm hooked. It's a must read. But I'll leave you with this, his prayer, that has become mine.
"Jesus, I ask for you. For the real you."
So simple, and so profound.
Much love,
Laura
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
School Daze
As a homeschooling mom I have to admit most school days I would actually classify as "school daze." It goes something like this:
1) Mommy wakes up.
2) Mommy drinks her first cup of coffee.
3) Mommy keeps drinking coffee while she juggles teaching a 1st grader, a 2nd grader, and a preschooler, and somehow manages to run after the baby, who has just figured out that he CAN run. Also fitting in snack time, devotion time, baby nap time, reading time, snuggle time, lunch time, errand time, laundry time, dishes time, dinner prep time, etc etc etc :) Hoping that somehow my children are learning in the midst of the chaos.
And when I don't know what to do, I call Mom :) My mother is such a fountain of wisdom, and one of my dearest friends. Such was the day a few years back when Adam, my 3rd child was a toddler. I remember calling her up and pouring my heart out about my homeschooling frustrations. I said, "Mom, how can I teach Easton and Natalie with a toddler running around?" I remember the pause on the phone, then the longer pause and then came her famous chuckle and she said, "Well, when you figure it out let me know."
I laughed of course, and then I cried. My mother home-schooled all 4 of us kids through 8th grade, so if anyone is qualified in my book to answer this question it was her. Every morning she was up before the first light of day with her bible in one hand and her coffee in the other. She was and is my hero. But she had no wisdom for me that day, no formula for success and no twelve step program.
It was I guess you could say, my pivotal moment in my homeschooling journey. The moment when the light comes on, and you realize that "life as you know it" is going change. In reality, nothing about my life changed except my perspective.
Taking a step back, I'm not sure where my "picture" of what homeschooling my children would look like came from. Because I was homeschooled myself and knew how it was. But somehow in my head I saw all my children sitting patiently, and quietly at the table working on their school work, while the younger ones entertained themselves and played quietly (there is that word again) on the floor. My house is spotless, there are no dishes in the sink and the laundry is all put away in the drawers, and I'm cooking a gourmet dinner for my husband. Pause . . . I'm sorry, but I'm seriously just laughing right now at myself, Ha Ha Ha.
I know all you Mommie's out their regardless if you home-school or not have had that moment when you realize, "Wow this is just NOT how I imagined it." It's not the movies, it's not perfect, and its definitely messy.
So, how do I home-school with toddler?? Well, I'll let you know when I figure it out :)
But I recently read a blog from a homeschooling mom and she said it so well.
"One morning on my daily walk, I was fretting and stewing over what I could possibly do with my one-year-old during school time. I was feeling some despair with a new baby on its way. I couldn't see any end to the disruption of babies in my home school for many years to come. I was praying and scheming at the same time: I could wait until the baby's nap to teach school, I could rotate the children with baby-sitting away from our schoolroom, I could get a playpen . . . all solutions that didn't feel right--babies needs their moms! As I walked and pondered, suddenly the Lord introduced one sentence to my mind and revolutionized my mindset entirely! "The baby IS the lesson!" I thought I was trying to teach Math, but in reality I had been teaching, day by day, how an adult values the precious gift of children." http://www.lovetolearn.net/homeschool_articles/baby.lasso
It is so true! The baby is the lesson, the toddler is the lesson, and life is the lesson. Real life is messy, imperfect and often unpredictable, and how amazing that we as Mom's get to train our kids for real life. Train them to follow Jesus in everything. And while we train them, we ourselves are being trained :)
Enjoy the Journey!
Laura
PS: Gotta go clean up the Easter eggs that my toddler emptied all over the kitchen floor as I wrote this post :)
Friday, January 20, 2012
Snow Days
"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful."
Such a good reminder to let the dishes rest, leave the laundry in the dryer and snuggle on the couch with my family. And I'm grateful and so blessed at the end of the day to be able to hand my glorious imperfections to my Saviour. He is GOOD and life is WONDERFUL because of Him.
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