Well, I had this wonderful poetic story all written out, and then suddenly my computer decided to "eat" it. So here I go again, starting over. At least the house is quiet, it probably won't take me 15 hours to write it a second time :) and I'm sure this time my story will be shorter, and straight to the point.
The story begins with me, and my children taking a beautiful drive through the country. The sunshine is shining through the windows, the baby is asleep and I have one hand on the wheel, while I'm holding my freshly brewed Starbucks half decaf Americano in the other. Yes, life is perfect.
My daughter Natalie, who has been daydreaming out the window quietly for some time suddenly turns and says, "Mom, where is heaven?"
Great, I thought. There goes my moment.
My first reaction is to tell her what I think would soothe her curiosity, and let me enjoy a few more minutes with my coffee. I would tell her the answer I grew up always believing, that Heaven is real, its up in the sky but unfortunately its invisible. Now, first let me clarify, I do believe that Heaven is real, I do believe that it is our hope of life when our earthly life is gone, and I do believe that not only do we get to see our loved ones again, but we will stand face to face and side by side with our Creator, our Savior, Jesus. And it will be AMAZING! But where exactly is it?? I haven't the foggiest idea.
So, my heart is beating and my head is pounding because I'm torn with giving her the "cute Sunday School" answer, or giving her the "other" answer. The "other" answer in fact is not an answer at all, its the three little words that I dread saying to my children. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
The words are on the tip of my tongue, and they taste so bitter to me. They are scary. Because I know its not only my admission to her, but also my admission to myself. I don't know everything.
Why is that so scary? Because I like to be in control.
Wow, I actually said it.
I like to think if I can give my children all the right answers throughout life, that somehow their lives would be perfect. It's scary to think of what might happen if I ever used those three words. And its even more scary for me to admit my questions because what might happen to me? Will I get zapped for questioning God? I know it sounds silly, of course but deep down in me I've always held on to the belief that I should just believe, take it on faith, no questions asked. Until recently.
So, here I am again, in the van waiting for the response to leave my lips, and it finally does.
"Natalie, I don't know."
Her reaction was priceless. I wish I could have videotaped it. After a very long dramatic gasp ...... she says, "You don't know!?"
"I don't know, " I say again. And this time it feels more confident, more sure, and more true.
"How come you don't know?" she says.
"Well, there are many verses about Heaven in the Bible, but they don't tell us where exactly it is. Do you know though, you can ask Jesus any question, He wants you to seek Him, and ask Him your questions?"
"Well, I'm just going to ask Him right now," she says so matter-of-factly. "Jesus, where is Heaven?"
She pauses, and then says, "He says its in the clouds, Mom."
The rest of our conversation has to be one of my favorite moments EVER with her. I shared with her that I will always be learning, and growing, and even though I'm older than her, I don't know everything, nor will I ever. But I am always seeking, always asking, and always growing. It was real, and it was honest, and I was crying. She listened with such intensity, like I've never seen. She took it all in, she heard every word. It was a precious moment. It was precious because I could see my daughter 10 years down the road, sitting across the table from me, and we were having an honest and real conversation. I wasn't pretending to know everything, but we were enjoying the journey together.
I don't want to give my children "cute" little answers that they will one day come to question, and wonder if what I said was real, or if it was just something I said. I want my children to know, believe and understand for themselves. I want it to be "real" for them. It has to be "real," because anything else is just plain sad, and religious.
So yes, I am an imperfect mother, and I don't know everything! I feel like I want to shout it from the hilltops :) Go ahead, and shout it, I dare you! :)
Lastly, just started reading John Eldredge's book, "Beautiful Outlaw." I'm only through the first chapter, but I'm hooked. It's a must read. But I'll leave you with this, his prayer, that has become mine.
"Jesus, I ask for you. For the real you."
So simple, and so profound.
Much love,
Laura
